So there’s a disagreement your relationship and all of a sudden it’s ROUND 1 FIGHT. And because the argument isn’t over after you both get home from work it’s ROUND 2 FIGHT. So you just get fed up and here comes the FINAL ROUND FIGHT! The next few words out of your mouth will FINISH HER or FINISH HIM. . .. “guaranteeing” you a FLAWLESS VICTORY but all the while Satan’s like.. “OUTSTANDING, IMPRESSIVE, WELL DONE, HAHAHHA!”
Listen. . .We have all been there and that is why I am happy you are here at Young Black Married Christian Podcast. I know you fall into one of those categories you may even fall into some of those categories but even if you fall into none of those categories I can promise you that over the next four to five minutes I’ll give you four to five points to help fortify the future of your marriage. I know you’re on time I know should on data but do me a favor. If you can’t make it all the way through the podcast click the download button that’s attached to the podcast and take me with you throughout your day.
Should you find so your marriage? Does fighting often mean that your marriage will inevitably fail? How can you fight well? Does every fight have to leave emotional scars?
Look there’s a lot to get into but I’m going to do it for you this is your host, LaShaude James. Let’s get into it.
1-You will fight often in your marriage.
Go ahead and set those expectations right now right you gonna fight often your marriage. Why?
- You’re both sinners. You both will bring strife and conflict and confusion and lies and hiding and deceit in some form and fashion into the marriage. That will generate conflict that would generate fight that would generate arguments.
- You’re both different. Even on your most holy and righteous day you both have differing opinions, different backgrounds, different triggers, different inclinations, different needs or requirements.
And so for both of these reasons you should expect to fight often in your marriage and go ahead and set your expectations as such. Because if you expect to fight then the question doesn’t become how often should we fight but more so how should we fight. Which brings me to point number two…
2-The success of your relationship depends on how you fight.
My wife and I have argued over the past thirteen years but once we learned what I’m sharing with you today it helped grow our relationship and our marriage into a healthy one. Before it was destructive. It was terrible but it’s grown into something on that we’re proud to be a part of. The issue for most couples is there is a solution between you and your significant other but because of how you’re fighting you can’t reach it.
So you have to go for quality control over quantity control many couples try to regulate how often they fight and they try to make sure they don’t fight too often but when they get into these fights they don’t actually worry about how bad their fighting. They don’t worry about the names they’re calling each other and the scars that they’re gonna leave even when the argument is done.
So here we’re gonna talk about solutions without scars. There is a such thing as reaching a great solution without having the negative effects and the scars that you commonly see in arguments.
3- Rules of Engagement
When you’re at war or you’re fighting there have to be some Rules of Engagement that keep y’all safe from each other’s raging emotions. In my marriage we have a few of them and I’m gonna do a completely separate publication and podcasts on it but I’ll give you a few that really helped.
- No cursing during an argument. To include words like stupid idiot dumb silly or other dismissive rude words. Even if we might use those words outside of our argument ( when listening to music or talking about anything else) when we argue we make sure we had a list of words that we did not say to each other.
- She can’t say the word whatever in a text or in a conversation because that sets me off and I can’t do passive aggressive things that set her off.
- We’re not to raise our voice.
- We’re not allowed to start arguments before we go to bed or before we go to work.
- 5 Minute Rule- If one of us break these rules the other ones able to call a five minute time out. (Just to allow things to calm down and then we get back into the discussion.)
So ultimately all of those rules of engagement are very very helpful whenever you’re trying to navigate your way through an argument. But point number four might be the most important.
4- You must redefine what it means to win an argument.
Here’s a quote from Amy Groeschel from her book From This Day Forward: Five Commitments to Fail-Proof Your Marriage:
“Don’t fight to win. You should both fight to lose the conflict and gain a closer relationship. Don’t fight each other. Fight together to see the relationship restored. Redefine winning to mean that at the end of every fight you’re closer to each other than you were when you started. That’s winning and that’s what it really means to fight fair.”
I (LaShaude) highly recommend this book! I have read it twice and it has truly changed the way I approach my wife. At first I was skeptical because it was a shorter book with plain language but I soon realized that the author intentionally sacrificed complexity for practicality. It has five chapters (one for each commitment). They are as follows:
- Seek God
- Fight Fair
- Have Fun
- Stay Pure
- Never Give Up
Don’t let the simplicity of these chapter titles fool you! This book is practical and easily applicable. No fancy titles and no abstract theory.
If you are considering purchasing this resource simply click this photo here and enjoy! Purchasing this resource from our website helps my wife and I continue to make podcast, videos, and post to encourage you in your relationship.
I appreciate you rocking with me. Thank you for your time. I love you all. Until next time.